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Key Zon Ph.D.

Why Online Dating Is a Poor Way to Find Love

Posted Jul 29, 2010

Some people believe that latest research on online dating/matching sheds a fresh light on understanding attraction, love, and romantic relationships. I argue that, however, albeit the internet has helped few find romantic relationships and marriages, the research has overlooked various defects and problems associated with this type of “voeling.” I will examine a duo of them.

The research findings can be summarized spil followings:

1. Online daters tend to pack te the information gaps with positive qualities te a potential fucking partner, on the other palm, everyone wants to make the self emerge spil attractive spil possible to potential dates by exaggerating the self desirable traits.

Two. There are gender differences ter both preference and messaging behavior on online dating sites. Women weigh income more than physical characteristics, and fellows sought physical appeal and suggested status-related information more than women.

Trio. The service users preferred similarity on a multitude of (mainly demographic) categories (including child preferences, education, and physical features like height, age, wedloop, religion, political views, and smoking).

It is accurate to say that the research findings demonstrated some behavior and attitudes of the online daters who joined the internet community with different motivations, expectations and backgrounds, but it is inaccurate to assume the behavior and attitudes reflect auténtico interpersonal attractions. This is because the online dating/matching (spil provided by the commercial websites) lacks the basic ingredients for developing vivo love. The most overduidelijk problem involves its use of several categories (plus a few photos) for the daters to predict and determine the effectiveness and success of their further interactions with one another. This type of fabricado “voeling” contradicts the process of meaningful interpersonal interactions (to be explained), which generates love and attraction.

To explain the problem, I need to very first elucidate the ingredients for love and the meaningful interactions.

The basic ingredients for love

Spil demonstrated by studies on interpersonal attraction, creating and maintaining love involves validating communications inbetween the vrouwen on a diversity of issues, including understanding and concern for the fucking partner’s individual and emotional needs, developing companionship, physical attraction, cultivating and nurturing physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual well beings, respecting, supporting, forgiving, accepting and encouraging, expressions of appreciation and affection: sexual pleasure and fidelity, commitment, collective activities, spil well spil the absence of controlling, defensiveness, contempt, stonewalling, and blaming, among other factors.

To accomplish the above tasks, the vrouwen need to engage te the meaningful interactions (face-to-face interactions, including both wordy and nonverbal communications), which permit one person to give to and receive from the other. (Albeit online daters may be able to exchange messages after they pass each other’s initial screening on the ondergrond of evaluating the category-based information, the process is the opposite of the interaction-based attraction). The meaningful interactions depend on two factors: (1) the right opportunities (the right time, place, persons, and further communications) and, (Two) the right mind (absence of biases about the self and others).

The right opportunities are significant. Albeit psychological research on attraction has identified several variables, such spil disclosure reciprocity (exposing intimate aspects of oneself to others), mutual eye staring, mutual prize, similarity and physical appeal, thesis variables are worthless unless people who wield the attributes and tendencies have the opportunities to implement them to the targets of attraction.

On the other arm, the right mind is more significant número. Why have some individuals who have encountered good opportunities of meeting their ideal mates lost the chances to develop the desired relationships? The response is that mostly they have the dysfunctional mind, with the emotional baggage of fear, anxiety or other mental conflicts and past hurts te interpersonal situations. They fear experiencing invalidation from the target of attraction because they use superficial categories to define the self and others spil well spil to predict the effectiveness of their possible relationships, disregarding the affection messages from the verdadero people who are attracted them. All categories are just the maps or substitutes of social reality, not the reality itself. When people use categories to predict an interaction (but not pay attention to the other’s auténtico communications, they will produce two outcomes:

a), avoiding love from right individuals, and,

b) approaching the wrong person(s).

This kleuter of crooked cognitions can only be rectified through the regular and meaningful interactions, which help individuals find out that they are worthy others’ love and appreciation.

The problems with online dating

It is clear that online dating has at least two problems. Very first, it is an opposite of face-to -face interaction. 2nd, it does not help heal the emotional agonies of some online daters. Online dating is a category-based, rather than an interaction-based process. Te the category-based process, one uses some concepts to predict both possibilities of acceptance and rejection by the others. It is an químico type because both rejection and acceptance by the daters are not about the rejection and acceptance of efectivo persons, but of the imagined or perceived attributes of their categories.

People never fall te love with categories (even eHarmony’s use of personality traits spil the fundament of matching does not represent actual diverse human practices and characteristics), because only auténtico interpersonal process can create the feeling of love. Love is created and maintained by the process of meaningful communications (including validating accurate perceptions and invalidating inaccurate perceptions of interpersonal reality). Online dating cannot do so. Additionally, love is very individualistically based. One loves another person because the Mr. Right or Ms. Right is unique individual ter one’s eyes.

I make a distinction inbetween online communications and online dating/matching. Fresh laptop technology has greatly expanded people’s potential and freedom to communicate with one another, some of which may generate love and romantic relationships, but online dating/matching, at least te its current format, has restricted the freedom.

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